Litigator, Mediator, or Collaborative? Choosing the Right Divorce Path
Not all divorces are meant for court. And not all spouses are safe for mediation. Choosing the wrong path can cost you time, money, and emotional stability.
This is not about being “nice.” It’s about being realistic and developing a strategy that works for YOU.
Litigation: When You Need Structure and Protection
What it is:
Litigation is the traditional court-based divorce process. Each spouse has their own attorney, and unresolved issues are decided by a judge.
How it works:
Formal legal filings
Court deadlines
Motions and hearings
Discovery (financial investigation)
A judge has authority to make binding decision
Best for:
Power imbalances
Financial complexity
High conflict
Control issues
Court provides:
Deadlines
Enforcement
Accountability
What women need to know: Litigation is not “being aggressive.” It is creating structure when cooperation is not possible.
Mediation: When Both Parties Can Actually Cooperate
What it is:
Mediation is a negotiation-based process where both spouses work with a neutral mediator to reach agreements outside of court.
How it works:
One mediator (not your lawyer)
Joint sessions
Cooperative negotiation
Agreements are drafted and then reviewed by attorneys (ideally)
When mediation is the right choice:
Both spouses are emotionally regulated
Both are financially transparent
There is mutual respect
There is low conflict
Both are genuinely committed to fairness
When mediation is not the right choice:
One spouse is controlling
One spouse withholds information
One spouse manipulates or intimidates
There is a history of emotional abuse or gaslighting
One person is much more financially savvy than the other
What women need to know:
Mediation assumes good faith. It does not protect you from bad faith.
Many women choose mediation because:
They want to “keep the peace”
They don’t want to be seen as difficult
They want it over quickly
Those are emotional reasons, not strategic ones.
Mediation only works when both people are honest adults. It collapses when one person is playing chess and the other is playing fair.
Collaborative Divorce: The Middle Ground
What it is:
Collaborative divorce is a team-based approach where both spouses and their attorneys agree to resolve everything outside of court. Often includes financial specialists and therapists.
How it works:
Each spouse has their own collaborative attorney
Everyone signs an agreement not to litigate
Neutral professionals (financial, mental health) may be involved
If it fails, both attorneys must withdraw
When collaborative is the right choice:
Both spouses are emotionally mature
Both want to avoid court
There is complexity but goodwill
There is genuine commitment to transparency
There is no desire to “win”
When collaborative is dangerous:
One spouse is strategic and the other is emotional
One spouse has more financial knowledge
One spouse is conflict-avoidant
One spouse has a history of control
What women need to know:
Collaborative divorce is high trust. It is also high risk if power is uneven.
Women often choose collaborative because:
It sounds healthy
It sounds evolved
It sounds like the “good” way to divorce
But healthy process + unhealthy partner = damage.
Collaborative divorce is beautiful when it works. And brutal when it doesn’t. It requires two adults with aligned ethics. Not one adult and one operator.
Women often choose the “nicest” option to:
Keep the peace
Protect the kids
Avoid conflict
Meanwhile, their spouse may be quietly positioning themselves. Peace without protection is expensive. Trust me on this.
The Truth
Your divorce path should match:
The personality in the room
The power dynamic
The financial complexity
Not your guilt.
Breaking Upward Note
I help women assess:
Risk
Reality
Readiness
So you don’t walk into the wrong process with the wrong expectations.
